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A hung parliament

A hung parliament
May 7th, 2010
Author: Janina Davison-Forder

It is tomorrow morning – the words of Alistair Stewart, this morning. Well would you believe I have lasted this long. I shall be sending ITV a bill for the pack of Proplus and 3 litres of energy drinks I have consumed over the course of the night.

Well fellow Britons, to all of you who woke up early to get your ballots in, or came home from that nice meal before dessert, I must apologize to you all. Those of you who did not get the chance as you turned up (according to the polling station personnel) too late. For some of you, had you all arrived at the polling stations sometime before 10pm you may have got your chance, voting isn’t like Tesco or a 24 hour pub where you can just turn up on a whim. For those who were frustrated by the slow polling procedures and missed out then you are owed a sincere apology from the authorities!

Yes, as it stands they are currently hanging the gallows in Westminster to show us that we are now in possession of a hung parliament! No, no noose in this case. Just a collection of MPs sat upon benches cursing each other and pondering which coalition would be the most beneficial to their party. The Tories at first were behind Labour with seats popping up here there and sadly everywhere which reflected how our country is truly in the red at the hands of Brown and co. Then as the night went on and on and on we saw that the Tories were in fact voting after all. We started to level out some of the red with a nice shade of blue across the country. The Lib Dems however did not seem to be as popular when it came to the real thing, as Clegg was in the televised debates. Could this possibly be due to the debates being a form of entertainment? Yes it seems that these debates really had little effect on the posting of ballots. Thankfully this country seems to take more care in where they place their votes as to who they are egging on at the ringside.

So there I was struggling to stay awake dreading the next mention of the word hold, gain or the slightest hint at a hung parliament. And the hits kept on coming. I had started to wonder why I had in fact fought off sleep for so long and why I had strolled the whole 200yards to my local polling station, where I spent a whole minute and a half before walking home! Well at least I can say that I had voted TORY! If nothing else there I was placing the most positive cross I have ever seen upon a piece of paper next to that little Tory tree that I am so glad exists. Although Britain, I am sad to say, that we placed our votes in vain, as we may as well have not bothered! As so many others seemed to on May the 6th!

OK, fair enough the ballots are open till ten in case you should be unable  to attend during the day. However, this does not mean that you wait till ten to ten before taking a dilly dally down there. Really it is not as though we do this every weekend is it? Some of us chose not to vote and that is your right. Sadly, the vote cannot be passed on as an additional one for someone else. I placed 4 votes in favour of Dave and co and would have done so every ten minutes throughout they day if allowed to. Anything to prevent us hanging in the political no man’s land that we shall soon become less and less fond of! Gordon has quite willingly expressed his umm… willingness to band together with the Lib Dems to form a government where at least one person will agree with him … hold on no sorry, wrong way round. Can you imagine how many times we would hear the words “I agree with Nick” in that situation? Well we may as well name the new coalition the ‘I agree with Nick party’ I can faintly hear the words of Kevin and Perry echoing in my ear “it’s so unfair” perhaps that would be a more appropriate slogan for that fair-weather relationship. As opposed to ‘a future fair for all’ or ‘a fairer Britain’ as believe you me it is far from what we deserve.


Just like a u-turn, I can imagine the positive elements of each party being opposed by each other and us being given all the negatives from both instead. We shall no doubt be left needing work permits whilst the banks are permitted to throw us in at the deep end of yet another recession. The only difference being instead of a red recession will have a slightly offish red recession and about twice as bad! So I sat and suffered the possibility of a hung parliament, a LibLabourite party and decided I may be better off if I just threw myself off the gallows. Depending upon who of the two had more of an influence upon each other we could very well see the Lib Dems forever melded into Labour and Clegg as party leader. Or, Brown, Harman or whomever wishes to apply to be the scapegoat having the chance to get ahead of Clegg as he in turn gets his leg over somewhere in the European parliament.

Scotland’s traditional instrument definitely was playing the tune of Labour with more than half of votes going to the reds. If we should happen to see a government formed with Labour we may actually see a prime minister who has been given the keys to number ten without even being chosen to do so! Those of us living in Wales followed the advice of the flag with fiery red majority, giving only around ten percent of their votes to Plaid Cymru. I think the paint by numbers version of the UK seems to of come with the wrong set of instructions; my version only has a tube of blue paint attached. It also looks far more effective than the multicoloured madness we are slap bang in the middle of.

Then after all the sleep-fighting, my own constituency voted against common sense and went for the Labour candidate Teresa Pearce! Then again, it has generally had a fair few coats of red in the past, and I am not talking about the red on the walls of its estates from the fights the night before. Ireland has mostly opted for the SDLP and DUP and, to be honest, I do not blame them for doing so. Cameron has quite rightly spoken out on behalf of Britons and told us how he feels Labour has lost its right to govern us. Well after all would you pick the two runners up over the gold medallist in any other situation? All through the run up to the elections we saw UKIP and BNP trying their hardest to get ahead. Although despite their efforts and the added support of the Libertarian party urging us all to favour the two above the main parties, they did not see much success. Had the Libertarians had enough numbers to provide a Libertarian candidate for each constituency then I truly believe they would see a good few votes. These would probably come from all those undecided voters who in the end didn’t bother. A few seats filled with Libertarians would not have been a bad thing. Especially as we face five years of rules and regulations (or in case of banks lack of) imposed upon us by both Labour and the LibDems and no doubt, a far bigger presence of the red tape stuck to Britain by the EU. I am sure Clegg would not hesitate to allow his European friends access to all and in doing so allowing himself a bigger bank balance!

Well, even with the threat of red and yellow turning orange, I hope that the good ole blues stick to their guns and do not give in to the possibility of coalition with either. I am slightly confident that with a majority of the benches filled with Tories that they will have a better influence upon the running of our country. I am sure that one party will be more likely to vote in the same fashion, than two allied parties bickering during their game of musical chairs will. Britons I say to you please stop hanging those nooses in your homes. We can but hope that we will see Britain keep away from recession. Had we all opted to go blue, we would not have been singing the blues but swinging along with Sinatra right now. As opposed to being faced with a rat pack of a coalition.

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