I hear a lot of opinions in city bars, so I thought I would distil some of the more colourful commentary into one composite character called Simon Cravat-Bollark. He works in the City but he doesn’t work for a bank and he’s a bit sick of people claiming that he’s been bailed out. You’d never know it from the press but ‘Bankers’ are actually a city minority group.

Here’s what Simon has to say:“Now listen up you tiresome plebs. I recently read one of your strangely small newspapers. It seems that you’ve become frightfully keen on calling proper chaps like myself, “socially useless”. It’s very cheeky of you lot because I’ve been reliably informed that I’m a national hero. I don’t work for a bank and I don’t trade derivatives but I do work for a city firm that supplies services to humungous Johnny Foreigner corporations. Unfortunately my biz hasn’t had a sniff of the splendid bailout money that bought cousin Billy’s new Maserati. It’s awfully nice of the lower orders to bail out my banking chums but why stop at them? It’s galling that I have to work for a living when the banker chappies are being served giant rolls of Wonga courtesy of that chubby communist chappie at number 10.  If I’d know that making large profits would cost us so much, I’d have spent more time loafing at my club. Anyway, back to the bit about me being a national hero. A tedious economist chappie, who we keep well hidden in the basement, once told me that because all my customers are foreigners, I am one of that rare and precious breed…. AN EXPORTER.  Stop eating your crisps and pies for a minute and think (by the way, do poor people have two stomachs?) about it. There aren’t many of my type around these days.  I bring in foreign money by the bucket load and spend it all here, supporting you lot.

Every penny we claw in from our overseas customers is spent on British salaries and taxes. We pay huge amounts of Moolah to the treasury and our tedious economist chappie also explained that we pay enough taxes to support several thousand of the same people, who scandalously call me useless. Hah!

Whilst I’m on the subject of what a hero I am, please also consider my monthly payments to private health insurance companies and private schools. I don’t burden your grubby hospitals or the burglary training outfits that you call schools but I still don’t get a rebate from that mad Jock at number 10.  My New York chums are astonished that I don’t just hide the money. They think that the British public must be very grateful”.

Tags: bankers, Comment, fun, News, The City

This entry was posted on Monday, December 14th, 2009 at 9:39 am and is filed under Comment. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.