28 Acacia Avenue
The Right Hon Gordon Brown MP,
10 Downing Street,
Dear Prime Minister,
It is with great regret that I write to inform you that the long upheld standards of Acacia Avenue are finally slipping.
As you should be aware, this is a benchmark area and, as such, the state of the nation can be measured by monitoring what goes on here.
Over the decades I, as the Chair of the Residents’ Committee and its sole member, have managed to ensure the moral rectitude of the Avenue and therefore uphold the Nation’s standards.
It is therefore with some surprise that I discover that a resident has managed to smuggle a mongrel cur onto the Avenue. This animal, unlike my own well trained pedigree Pikenese, insists on depositing enough waste matter in the street to form a series of random roundabouts. In fact, if this goes on much longer, we will have our own traffic calming speed bumps within a matter of days. The owner, being of low character and breeding herself sniffily refuses to clean up after her noxious flea-bitten mutt.
Despite glaring at the owner with obvious distaste I have been unable to amend this appalling behaviour.
On doing my duty and dialling 999 I find to my utter surprise that this sort of criminal anti-social behaviour is not considered to be a police matter. I was informed that I should contact the local council. But knowing how impotent they are, instead of talking to a local monkey I thought it better to go straight to the top and write to the country’s head monkey to the EU organ grinder.
Now, I know you have strong legislation in place to deal with this type of neighbourhood terrorism. I want you to arrange for a series of cameras to be strategically placed throughout the Avenue. They must be tastefully coloured and their mountings designed to blend in with the local ambiance. I am available on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons for consultation.
Camera placement is of paramount importance. They should mainly focus on Number 33 and maybe Number 17 as well (I’m not yet sure about the gentleman that lives there). They are not to point at Number 28, I have my privacy to consider.
I am willing to give over some garage space to cater for the operational staff as I don’t want a large van obstructing the Avenue. The operators should park round the corner in Gilbert Road, as we don’t like people parking in the Avenue. They may gain access to my property via the tradesman’s gate in the same road.
As this is such an important issue, I take it that you will be taking firm personal charge of this complex operation.
I await your swift response to this critical matter.
Miss M Lott