It was December the 24th 2009, a night when all good men have long downed tools in favour of the open fire and family at the festive season. But with snow falling outside this cold Christmas eve,Â a solitary figure can be heard typing away inside No 10 Downing Street with a candle lit silhouette of his hunched frame reflecting on the window. The occasional "Bah Humbug" can be heard yelling from the Faustian image which awakes some spirits that would best be left to sleep.
As the grandfather clock strikes 7 pm on Christmas eve Gordon raises his left eyebrow and gazes over at Alistair Darling who has been watching the clock ticking away all day counting down the seconds for when his master will let him go home to his family.
"Have you made the necessary spending cuts on military equipment Alistair?" bellows the Prime Minister to his obedient and faithfulÂ Chancellor.
"Yes Sir I have also managed to find a new tax for the rich so as to make it impossible for them to continue to live in Britain without them losing their amassed wealth" bleated the Darling.
"Well done Alistair, but I would like to see the tax burden falling on the real scroungers in society. I am of course talking about the disabled and elderly who have had it too good for too long. Draw up a new proposal for the budget and make sure that all benefits to disabled people are means tested by making them do a 30 mile walk.Â If they pass that then they must be sent to the workhouse, if they fail by dying then they are eligible for benefits. Once you have done that you may rejoin your family for Christmas" said Gordon, a grimace coming over his face as he mentioned the dreaded "C" word.
"But Sir, isn't that a bit harsh after we left Fred Goodwin walk free with his pension?" Said Darling quivering and cowering at the same time.
"Fred was a hard working man who helped facilitate the golden age that will be remembered as "The Brown Years". Why should he be penalised for a global problem. It's the sick and needy who are the real drain on our economy Darling. Now finish your work before I replace you with Ed Balls." said Gordon.
"Yes Sir whatever you say sir" grovelled Darling.
Gordon went upstairs to bed and sat down in front of the fire in the living room as his wife slept soundly in the bedroom above. Barely able to keep his eyes open he spills his single malt 'Glenweedkiller' on his lap which awakes him with a "Bah Humbug".
Then he notices a clunking noise coming from downstairs. Gordon feels fear grip the area where his heart should be. As the noise eventually reaches his door he hides behind a load of paperwork stored in Boxes with the words "Labour books since coming to office" written on on bold letters with the word "SHRED" printed in big red letters below.
Into the room bursts the ghost of an old man with clanking chains entwined around his body and dragging him down.
The spectral figure opens his mouth to wail "I am Ebenezer Scrooge and I am going to do you the same favour that Jacob Marley once did for me. You will be visited by three spirits tonight."
"Go away or I will see to it that your Tax band is raised to 95%" Shouted Gordon.
"You will learn this night or you will be dammed" Screams Scrooge at Gordon making his glass eye mist up.
Then in a loud bang and flash of light he was gone……The ghost that is…..Gordon remained (The nation isn't that fortunate).
Gordon runs to the bedroom, jumps into bed and pulls the covers over his head. Then across the room he sees a ghost walking towards him. The Ghost becomes less opaque and reveals his face in full by materialising into the room. Gordon squints and points at him and shouts "You're Norman Lamont!"
"I am the Ghost Of Fiscal Past…..you need only know me as such" said the ghost
"No! you're Norman Lamont!" said Gordon.
"Look, shut up and come with me!" said the ghost and with that Gordon is grabbed by the spectral figure and pulled into a vortex that transports them back in time to Scotland whereÂ Gordon grew up as a small child.
There is a small child playing with stones by a river counting them and placing them in different piles talking to the river bank as if addressing a large room of peopleÂ "This will be the defense budget and this will be the NHS budget and I will make sure the treasury is full to the brim with cash and Gold which I will never sell"……….To be continued.