The Grim Reaper,
Somewhere Very Hot.
The Right Hon Gordon Brown MP,
10 Downing Street,
Firstly I would like to thank you very much for taking the time to write to me. I don't get many letters except from the odd Emo or Goth who is wondering if it's a good idea to top themselves because life is just soooo depressing and over rated and the same old same old self pitying twaddle they write.
So your Letter Mr Brown was most refreshing and as you know I am bound by duty not to break the rules of revealing what is life like after death, however in your case I shall make an exception.
As has been written by every major world religion, everyone in the next world gets to live in an area that reflects their earthly deeds and as I am sure you must know a VERY special place has been prepared for you.
In your letter you requested details of your new home in the spirit world and I enclose a picture of the view of one of our parks from your luxury pad in an upmarket area set aside especially for you and I am afraid we are having problems with the air conditioning but its a small price to pay for such prime real estate.
We hope that the view is to your liking and as I am sure your aware you must join in with the activities in the park (See above picture) as part of your community service like all citizens of this part of the after life do…..And it would be sporting if you didn't scream as they pull you away because it may upset the other residents….oh yes and you have the honorary role of the victim in these games.
You will be glad to know your time will be spent with other famous people who I am sure you will feel are like kindred spirits. We have Hitler, Stalin, Attila The HunÂ and many others all ready for your initiation of drinking molten lava from your own skull that will make yo a full time member of the BulinSkull club.
There are also many people here who can't wait to meet you and have been promoted through the ranks of torture school. Like Mr Clive Smith who lost his business last year and decided that the constant hounding from your government for taxes was too much for the poor old soul so he topped himself and his family.
Mr Smith has just won a torture innovation awardÂ presented by the business minister who has roles in both this world and the world of the living in Britain. His innovation involves feeding his victimsÂ iron fillings then turning on a high powered magnet with spikes dipped in acid three miles away.
Amazing how a peace loving self-employed candle maker on Earth could have such an amazing career in the after life. He says that you were his inspiration and is looking forward to spending some quality time with you on this side of the cosmic veil between life and death.
Well at least you won't be alone.
I am told in fact that Clive is just one ofÂ legion (Excuse the pun) who are looking forward to practicing their newly found artistic side on yourself which is a great privilege for new arrivals.
So good luck with the election, and what ever happens you need not worry ….a warm reception awaits you in the next world
I await your reply holdingÂ a long blunt sickle with your name engraved on it.
Where your worst nightmares await