A cautionary message from beyond the grave on bonfire night for our Prime Minister on this most celebrated of nights.
On a bonfire near you
The Right Hon Gordon Brown MP,
10 Downing Street,
As you may or may not know (depending on whether your inept advisers are keeping you informed of the date and what is going on in the real world outside of your bunker) today is the day that celebratesÂ me being burnt at the stake for trying to do a great service for our country.
Everywhere around the country, children will be building bonfires onto which an effigy of myself will be placed and soaked in petrol, which I am sure is good news for you because it means that the little blighters aren't knifing each other for a change.
You may be surprised to know that I actually made it to rather pleasant resting place in the after-world, I spoke to death the other night over a few gin and tonics and I asked him where you will be spending your eternity. He spluttered his drink and with that cold skeletal smile of his he said "Somewhere special". He also added that he wouldn't want to go there himself but I understand you have had prior communication on this already.
Now Gordon the reason I am writing to you is because I am a little upset that the day that has traditionally commemorated my death for the past 403 years is about beÂ eclipsed by a new annual event which will be celebrated with more vigourÂ than the night that brought me such fame and notoriety over the centuries. I have seen this celebration because we in the afterlife can see future events and this event is up there with the Flood and Noah's ark in terms of its significance.
I am of course referring to Inserting Gordon Into A Cow's Backside night, which is a night where a cow has an effigy of yourself inserted into its backside, just does what it says on the tin really.
Death was telling me that you also asked of the nature of your eventual death well I think there is a clue in the name of this future celebration.
The celebration will be to commemorate the night after the general election, when millions descend on Downing Street to remove you from your home and office.
On that night the police courteously open the gates to Downing Street and the front door to 10 Downing Street to allow in the raging mob.
You will beÂ carried above the heads of the baying crowd as you are removed from your home for the past few years. The rest is a little unclear but I think that after 3 days in the stocks, the partying the nation carries you up the M4 towards Reading.
This journey proves a little tiring after all the drinkÂ consumed (Actually a new real ale which is very popular post 2010 is named after the events of this day called "The poor Cow") so they rest a while in a field.
With the nation snoozing into a collective hangover in the field just off the M4 motorway, you decide to make your getaway.
I will not tell you what has happened to you before your escape attempt in too much detail because it would be cruel and might lead to some sleepless nights but I can give you some of the less traumatic details, like you were forced to watch 6 hours of non stop reality TV whilst your toes were eaten by rats and your teeth were removed by an NHS dentist.
Anyway off you slip into the night….but you also slip on a cow pat and go head first up the backside of a cow.
The noise of the cow wailingÂ in agony awakes your captors and and alerts them to your escape so they run towards the epicenter of the commotion in the dark field at on this Spring night.
One man lights a torch to see what the cause of the noise is….the nation shortly follows withÂ camera teams from the world's press. The scene is broadcast across the world and the globe watchesÂ your legs kicking frantically from the rear end of a cow with your top half fully emersed up the rectum as the cow runs around the field trying to remove you.
It is soon established that your body has become inextricably linked and connected to the cow, so after much deliberation by EU officials (who's jurisdiction this falls under) on the sceneÂ of this incident a decision is made to make this as painless a death for the cow as possible to meet EU guidelines (Bet you wished you gave that referendum to the British people now and pulled out of Europe now eh?) .
The only way to kill the cow quickly and painlessly is to insert yourself further into the cow with one great shove which will have the desired effect of stopping the cows heart in an instant.
The world does a countdown for your full insertion into the cowÂ and breaks all viewing records, in fact it makes Live Aid look like an obscure television production in the deepest darkest part of the Outer Hebrides in the 1960s.
3-2-1 and the world gives off a cheer so loud it nearly knocks the planet off its axis and cause a polar shift.
You unfortunately do not survive the experience. I say unfortunately because had you survived, the celebration of my death would not have been so eclipsed. You have robbed me of my future fame.
I await your reply with charred bones.