The Once And Future King contacts the Always Has Been And Always Will Be National Embarrassment.
The Right Hon Gordon Brown MP,
10 Downing Street,
Dear Prime Minister,
I am most annoyed at having been rudely awoken from my sleep since the 5th century because the nation is in need of my services once again. As you may know legend has it that I will arise to face the enemies of this country when the nation needs me most.
I was hoping to faceÂ marauding invaders from shores afar and fight once again with Excalibur at my side decapitating the evil despots and their armies from foreign shores who would rape and pillage this fair land. But it seems I have been awoken to run in a general election against you.
I have been advised by Merlin to use magic to hypnotize the nation using something called "Spin" however it seems you have a wizard with greater magic than Merlin who goes by the name of Lord Mandelson who does indeed sound like a dark knight that I am fearful of.
With Lancelot as my champion I hoped to vanquish this terrible foe but it seems that once again Lancelot has betrayed me and gone off to spend time with this dark lord on some Russian millionaire's yacht.
So it looks like I must change tactics, I have thrust Excalibur into a large stone in Hyde Park for the true ruler of this land to be established through a challenge of removing it from the stone. But this time it would mean that the rulers territory would encompass most of Europe as well as these isles.
I have had three challengers (All of them from your front bench) but none could remove Excalibur from the stone. Then along came a very nice chap called Tony Blair and he promised me that if I would remove the sword from the stone and gave it to him he would make me ruler of Britain whilst he took control of Europe.
He seems like such a nice and trustworthy fellow except for theÂ very intimidating eyes which Merlin said was fine (Merlin has bean at the old mead though recently so his judgment is rather impaired) so I have decided to give it ago but the deal was I insisted, that I was to decapitate at least one person before I return to my slumber.
Mr Blair put your name forward and I must say I was rather looking forward to it but a young Mr David Miliband ran off with Excalibur and is currently heading towards Brussels so I must go back to sleep with no joyous hacking and mutilation of evil foes.
I await your reply dressed in period Dark Ages attire.