From Father Christmas, the North Pole.

To Gordon Brown, David Cameron and Nick Clegg, the UK.

Hello and happy New Year you three!I am writing jointly to you so as to save some time.

You each sent me a letter of what you wanted for Christmas and, after reading them, I thought you had been colluding as all of you want essentially the same things! Who'd have thought that?

The first thing you all asked for was to be liked by the British public. Fine, but what makes it difficult for me is that you each want to be liked more than the other two.

As for votes you each want the public to vote for your party MPs but once again you each want more than the other two.

You all want to be liked by President Obama and the Americans.

You all want to be seen as central to Europe without actually giving too much away.

You all want a solid UK integrated transport system.

You all want an end to the banking crisis.

All three of you want a swift and positive end to the war in Afghanistan.

Within a couple of percentage points you all want to collect the same amount of tax and have the same size public services.

You all want to save the planet without damaging the economy.
You all want to rid the planet of nuclear weapons, but only after everyone else (including the French) have got rid of theirs except for the US and UK.

You all asked for those pesky back-benchers to stop claiming expenses.

You all asked for bankers to turn down their bonuses.

You all asked for the public to meekly accept tax rises.

You also asked if I could provide a few Elves to work for the public sector for free. Sorry but the relocation costs are prohibitive and they can't be TUPE'd over anyway. They also break your new immigration guidelines (I'm actually surprised I'm still allowed in to do my work).

The list of the similarities of your Christmas wish lists goes on.

But my powers are limited to the magic of Christmas Day where, for a short 24 hours peace of a sort comes over some of the world. If I could give you what you wanted world peace would have been delivered centuries ago. So I can't grant you wishes but, one thing to always remember is, you have more in common than you think! That must be a comfort to you.

By the way, I hope you liked the matching ties, socks, handkerchiefs and underpants I got you.

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