The Right Hon Gordon Brown MP,
10 Downing Street,
Dear Prime Minister of Britain,
I am writing to you directly as I believe that I can be of substantial service to your once great nation.
As you may know, until very recently I was the Anti-Corruption Chief of Kenya. It was therefore my task to ensure that corruption was properly co-ordinated and at a sufficient level to keep the country running as smoothly as possible. My employment was very recently cut short by short sighted manoeuvring by some idiot Members of Parliament.
I have monitored, not without some amusement, the sad and pathetic efforts of your current Anti-Corruption Chief Peter Mandelson. I do so hate to denigrate a fellow professional, but he just does not ‘cut the mustard’ as you English say.
I bring with me a large and interesting dossier on President Mwai Kibaki (why do you think he re-appointed me behind our Parliament’s back?) as well as other government ministers and officials. These may be of some interest to your MI6. I also have some extremely thick files on people (very) close to you that may raise the odd eyebrow in MI5.
My salary in Kenya was a paltry Â£21,000 per month, which I am sure you can better as my expertise in government corruption is second to none and will benefit any employer substantially. Especially one facing a potentially fatal general election so soon.
I await your answer,