According to experts another bank crisis is about to hit an unprepared Britain.

The National Gamete Donation Trust says that, due to the lifting of donor anonymity rules, there is a shortage of sperm donors leading to insufficient sperm to meet demand. They are looking for men between 18-44 years of age to participate.

A government spokesman said “I know that most men wouldn’t want an 18 year old stranger popping up unexpectedly on the doorstep asking for bed and board, but I still do not understand this. Despite the rule changes according to our research there is a massive pent-up supply of sperm just waiting to burst out given the slightest opportunity.”

The fear is that many infertile couples will now not have the babies they want in order to fulfil their lives.

It is expected that the government will today announce a national plan to bail out the sperm banks with the slogan “All hands to the pumps”.

The minister concerned said that “the country needs to have the balls to face this head on” and that this crisis must be taken “firmly in hand” before the banks run out of sperm altogether. She went on to say that the PM had instructed her to take a personal and vigorous 'hands on' approach to the problem to ensure that a positive outcome came quickly.

The national plan is expected to require that all males over the age of 18 must report to a sperm bank at least weekly to do their duty for Britain. Donors will be given paid time off work to attend the banks. Spouses, partners and friends are welcome to come along to assist and many volunteers are expected to offer their services in the mammoth task ahead.

The drive is expected to commence in May and men across the country will be urged to get into practice well beforehand to ensure maximum output.

The printing presses are being switched to overdrive to produce the pornographic material required to support this venture. Literature is being taken off the library and book shelves across the land and is being replaced with the more liquid producing glossy magazines.

There are worries that a lot of the sperm given may be ‘sub-prime’ in nature, especially as no health restrictions or upper age limits have been set. But the clever people at the sperm banks have devised a system of ‘slicing and dicing’ the donations into ‘Collateralised Sperm Obligations’ turning the resultant sperm into AAA status across the board. This will also, according to the experts, also cut out risk from any ‘toxic sperm’ that may be present.

They are also looking at sperm shorting or going long on sperm as other ways of alleviating the crisis.

A system of selling an individual’s ‘Personal Sperm Obligations’ on the markets is being developed, so that people can ‘buy the right not to donate’ for that particular week.


Those under the age of 18 are being asked to attend the clinics and hand over virtual sperm donation cards. These will then be added to the sperm bank’s balance sheet as an asset. Then, once over 18, the donors would then be able to attend the sperm bank and redeem these ‘futures’ by physically donating. This will of course be on top of their statutory weekly requirement. These futures will also be market tradeable.

This government initiative has received cross-party support in Westminster and politicians are being awarded generous allowances and expenses to attend sperm banks in order to help promote it. These cover travel, attendance, research and wear and tear.

Chemists will also be urged to stock up on wrist supports, Vaseline and cramp treatments. Certain ‘enhancing’ drugs will also be made available.

Equal rights groups initially condemned this as a ‘sexist stunt’. But have since agreed to support it and shaken hands on the deal since females will now also be given the same rights to time off as men to donate sperm. It is being hailed as a “great day for equality”.

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