Baron of Hartlepool and Foy
The Right Hon Gordon Brown MP,
10 Downing Street,
I hope this letter finds you well. (I assume you don’t mind my use of your university days moniker?)
At our last less than convivial meeting you expressed some angst over the latest additions to my confidential MI5 file.
Well, vex ye not! I will now put your mind at rest over the matters concerned.
Firstly, the undercover agent deployed against me was pure entrapment. He was over 18 and therefore no crime was actually committed. (But you must agree from the MI5 photographs that he had an ass to die for!)
Second, it was you that put me on to that rather sweet offshore deal. What I would very much like to know is who put the Inland Revenue on to me? You and I both know it is technically legal, if a bit morally dubious. But no further action can be taken. I’ve sold the shares on anyway, just before they bombed.
Third, rumours alluded to in the report that my bowel control has been affected by certain activities is wholly inaccurate. You can trust me on that, I have an extremely good proctologist. I can give you a referral if you wish?
Fourth, I have not taken another excessive loan for my latest house from a dubious source, well not that dubious anyway it was a fellow peer.
Fifth, in contradiction to reports, I am fully committed to the UK, I am not a traitor. The fact I have sworn lifetime allegiance to the EU does not affect this. Especially as I always wholeheartedly agree with the EU on what is best for the UK. This does not conflict with my oath to the Crown as a peer of the realm as I believe the EU is acting in our best interests at all times.
Sixth, I have no current plans to try for the Premiership of the UK. One queen is enough! I have no ambitions in that particular direction and I want to draw back from politics and spend more time with my boy-friends. Unless of course the party calls upon me to reluctantly take up the mantle.
I hope all remains well with you.