Bodget, Brachet & Sons Ltd.
Removers to the Gentry since 1860
Mr and Mrs Brown,
10 Downing Street,
Dear Mr and Mrs Brown,
RE: YOUR REMOVALS ENQUIRY OF THE 13TH SEPTEMBER 2009
How refreshing it is in today’s economic climate that someone is planning their impending move so far ahead.
A provisional quote is attached. However I feel constrained to warn you that this quote is only available for 30 days. As this government are so keen on taxing business and constantly changing the goalposts we cannot guarantee the price for our normal 90 days. Should you be able to provide us with any form of realistic economic outlook then we would be happy to provide a 90 day quote.
The attached quote is dependent on clarifying the following points:
1. We are unable to provide the, as you put it, ‘extra heavies to keep the cock-sniffing paparazzi out of my gear’. I would advise you to attain this resource via the usual channels.
2. We can provide heavy canvas screens between the front door of No 10 and the ten lorries you have asked for to keep ‘prying jealous eyes scoping my stuff’. For this we would also advise canvas roofing to eliminate the threat from rogue helicopter borne cameras. The extra cost is outlined in the quote.
3. Now to the number of lorries required. When we moved you in, the amount of vehicle space required was far less. You kindly furnished us with a breakdown of the items you will be removing from No 10, but it was heavily censored with black marker pen, which I am sure is an oversight by one of your functionaries. Please can you provide an amended copy for our records?
4. We are also concerned by the number of strong boxes you have requested we supply. This seems excessive and we can cut your costs significantly should this number be reduced. We normally only supply this level of security when transferring the gold and diamonds of arms dealers or oil barons.
5. Lastly, when you moved into Number 10 you did state that you would definitely not need our services until at least 2015. You even laid a Â£100 bet with our chief foreman Bill Rogers. He asks if you can forward cash as he does not want to put a cheque through his bank account. (Actually he said he wouldn't trust one of your cheques as far as he could throw John Prescott.)
As an aside, we have also received a removals quote request from a Mr and Mrs Cameron who are hoping to occupy the very same property you are vacating that same morning. Strange that he also does not provide a specific date, but is content to work around any date you supply. That is very considerate of Mr Cameron I think you will agree.
They have also asked that you be clear by twelve noon, as Mr Cameron is expected to have a meeting with Her Majesty the Queen at 3 pm that day and wants his diary to be as clear as possible.
He also states that he will be in touch with you in the very near future to discuss arrangements for he and his wife to call round to measure up. He made a passing reference to doing this as early as possible as he said "it may happen sooner than Mr Brown thinks". Although sadly he didn’t refer to you as "Mr Brown".
We have also received a tentative request along the same lines as this from a Mr Clegg, but have “filed” it as this gentleman is completely unknown to us.
We hope you find the attached quote acceptable.