Stan Snatchitt
& Malcolm Runn,
Welfare Row
(Addresses Withheld)

The Right Hon Gordon Brown MP,
10 Downing Street,

Dear Prime Minister,

We've read in the Mirror and the Sun that you're looking at cutting the social. So we got together to write a letter to you to express our concerns.

As long term users of the social we feel threatened. We have voted for the Labour party ever since we was 16 (arranged by our local Labour Party rep who said age wasn‘t an issue where democracy was concerned). Why? Because they’ve always made sure our Giro checks was available every week without fail. More than those Tory bastards ever did, they actually want us to work for the pittance we get.

We follow all the rules. For example, my girlfriend and two sons live in another council flat so we count as single and all the work I do is for cash. My ex-wife and three daughters live with her mother so can claim all her own stuff. We all get the doc’ to provide us with sick notes and also get our methadone on the NHS.

But if you start mucking about with the allowances we want to be sure you’re gonna tax those rich fucking leeches that suck the country dry and not honest people like us who keep the system afloat. Without us there’d be no social service system! The rich can afford to pay another 20% and take their child benefit off of them. The dosh would be far better off in the hands of voters like us.

With Christmas only 3 months away is there any chance of you introducing a new ‘presents for kids’ allowance for benefit claimants so that we can buy them the latest gizmos. At the moment we can only afford the usual stuff that anyone can get hold of. Especially as we have to buy our own heroin on the streets, so anything we steal goes to funding the habit, not the kiddies. This is not fair on them so society should help.

Another quick suggestion, we need government fact sheets on where the best areas for burglary, extortion and prostitution are. This will help people like us make career and business decisions. They could also include details of places where we can get the next fix.

Sorry, but we’ve gotta go now, signing on and our next dose of Big H is due.

Yours sincerely,

Stan and Malcolm

Snatchitt and Runn.

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