It's the day after the general election and the British public have just re-elected Gordon Brown as Prime Minister but, despite the pre-election assurances that the nation's finances were in good shape, he has called an emergency budget and calls upon the press before he addresses the nation.

With his post-election euphoric grin and glass eye gazing sternly into the lens of the BBC camera, Gordon Brown greets the nation in this unprecedented live Prime Ministerial broadcast with the world's press present inside No 10 Downing Street.

Standing squarely before the podium he straightens his posture and tie then plays with his cuff-links, both mimicking and mocking his predecessor Tony Blair before the dull thuds of his oration are heard in every room across the land.

"Good morning Ladies and Gentlemen. On this historic day we are celebrating our victory at the ballot box and think that it might be a good idea to drop this little message in whilst every one in the country is still drunk from last night".

Peter Mandelson nudges Brown and whispers into his ear "You shouldn't have said that".

Brown vainly tries to cover the twenty microphones pointing at him and whispers back "But it's written on the autocue",

"So is 'let's confuse the Scottish git', Prime Minister" replies Lord Mandelson.

"I think we have a saboteur in our midst Peter".

"Not to worry Gordon I will quickly make up another law for you to pass so we can tighten up on press coverage of you Prime Minister".

"But Peter you already wrote 400 new laws last night criminalising the majority of the population and you're just the business secretary"

"Just shut up and get back to the speech Prime Minister your adoring audience are waiting for you".

"Ah my adoring audience".

Gordon ran his hand's through his locks only for his hand to emerge covered in black ink. "Bah! That's the last time I send Geoff Hoon out for hair dye. Can't trust him as far as I can throw him" muttered Gordon Brown under his breath.

"You did a pretty good job of throwing him out of politics" replied a tea lady squeezing one tea bags worth of tea into three cups for the press.

"Quiet Agnes!" shouts the PM "and make that tea bag last, I want to see that very same tea bag used when the Chinese delegation visit next week".

Meanwhile in a small pub in West Wales, 78 year old Dai Evans and his friends are watching the broadcast and shaking their heads in disbelief at the charade that is unfolding in front of their very eyes. In Cheltenham a couple of School teachers are watching the announcement in the staffroom during break-time, one drops his mug on the floor "What do you think the announcement is about?" says Mr Phillips the physics teacher. "No idea" says Mrs Smyth the PE teacher who then blows a loud whistle and jogs out of the room.

"Get on with it you buffoon!" shouts the nation in unison.

"Right where was I? ah yes, Great Britain I have an announcement to make" says the Prime Minister with a robotic grin then he covers his mouth and in a muffled voice he very quickly says "I lied before the election and in fact we are in deep trouble unless I cut 70% of public services and raise taxes".


The nation grinds to a halt.

Cars stop on the street and the bustling capital of London witnesses tumble-weed (a weed uncommon to these isles) blowing down Oxford Street at the shock of this announcement.

Everyone present at the Prime Ministerial Broadcast sits silently with their mouths open except for Gordon Brown and his business secretary.

Gordon clears his throat and tries to repeat his speedy, muffled delivery except this time everyone is listening so intently that he cannot speak, in desperation he runs out of the conference and out outside the front of No 10 to grab an old tin dustbin then promptly runs back in with it.

He the then starts speaking but bangs the drum very loud so no one can quite make out the full content of this speech just catching the odd word or part of a sentence.

"In order for this to be less damaging I docto.., nurs.. fi…en and te….rs will face the full im..t of the cuts lead..g to 6 mi…on unem….d BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS WE ARE STILL ON TRACK FOR THE LONDON OLYMPICS".

A lonely cheer emanates from a sports hall in a Cheltenham whist the rest of nation gasp in horror. Actually the loneliness of this cheer was so extraordinary that  loneliness is now measured in 'Smyths' which is named after the PE teacher responsible for defining this moment of what it is to be alone.

Meanwhile Dai Evans and his elderly friends try to work out what has just happened. "Did he say that he is going to give taxis for Fisherman Dai?" asks 82 year old  Idris Owen. "Don't be daft Idris" says Dai "He said he is going to swap taxis for Fishermen."

Gordon continues, "After my historic victory I have decided that now is the time to step down as Prime Minister and hand the mantle of power over to Peter Mandelson as soon as he has bullied the rest of the Labour Party into voting for him".

"Prime Minister you really should stop reading from the autocue" whispers Lord Mandelson yet again into Gordon Brown's ear whilst also pointing and smiling to the cameraman behind the autocued camera.

Tony Blair smiles back.

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