Labour Party General Secretary
The Right Hon Gordon Brown MP,
10 Downing Street,
Dear Prime Minister,
I write to you in your capacity as the Leader of the Labour party.
As you will be aware the Party is just about destitute. So Jack Dromy and I are currently examining urgent plans to seize control of all Party offices and assets around the country. These can then be used as collateral for loans to support the upcoming General Election campaign.
We are however stymied on two fronts. Firstly, the local parties don’t trust us and say that we’ll just use the money raised for our personal expenses, with no prospect of being voted in. Second, the banks say they won’t lend to us as we a just a zombie party, so they have no real prospect of getting their money back. And I must say I agree on both counts.
Having examined all other options I have come to the conclusion that we have only one avenue left open to us.
All female MPs as well as female partners of MPs are each sitting on a potential goldmine. In some cases maybe two. I propose we advertise their services and cost on a sliding scale of attractiveness. This will also allow the opportunity for most of them to put their mouths to a more productive use than the usual drivel that pours forth.
I have attached a spreadsheet breakdown of how many services each can offer at any one time over what period of time. I have shown how much we can expect from each.
Should this prove popular we can look to extend this to cover all general party costs into the future.
Harriet, Jacqui, Dawn and Hazel are all extremely keen to get this project off the ground as quickly as possible. Lord Mandelson is offering his expertise and is willing to participate in absolutely any way possible. He will also approach as many male MPs and partners as possible to see whether they would be willing to ‘spread and open wide’ for the party.
I believe this will be the most successful project yet as it reflects the true ethos of our Party, that we are prepared to prostitute our people, the country, our party, our parents and our descendants in return for power.
We await your blessing.