Paynes’s Window Cleaners,

Mr Brown,
10 Downing Street,

Dear Mr Brown,

I feel moved to write to you concerning the plight of Phil, who has been cleaning the windows of 10 Downing Street without mishap for some 50 years. He was in fact our firm’s first employee when he joined us at the tender age of 14.

The reason for this letter is to update you on his condition after the accident he suffered at his last visit to your premises on Monday last.

He is currently in hospital with a broken collar bone and some severe bruising but is expected to make a full recovery. To put your mind at rest as regards litigation, our own indemnity insurance will cover the costs.

Now, what you get up to in the privacy of your own bedroom is between you and Mrs Brown, but please do remember draw the curtains and shut the windows prior to engaging in such pastimes. Especially at 3 o’clock in the afternoon! Also, by all accounts the type of apparel and amount of equipment being employed for your activities was excessive even in these enlightened times. Or so I’m told.

Phil is a very old fashioned soul and was traumatised by what he saw, as would any right-minded person be in those circumstances I think you would agree. But not one to bear grudges, he has sent his best wishes and asks if you have been successful in removing that rather large vegetable item that you were so painfully ‘interacting’ with?

Anyway, best wishes and hope all is well with you.

Yours Sincerely,

Walter Payne

p.s. I know an excellent therapist that I would be more than willing to refer on to you if you wish. Please let me know.

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