President of the EU (Elect)
The Right Hon Gordon Brown MP,
10 Downing Street,
Oh how you must hate me! I fall continually from one bed of rose petals onto another! While you stagger behind, your whole world perpetually crumbling around you. Isn’t it sometimes difficult for you to believe that we inhabit the same planet?
My inexorable rise to eventual sainthood compared to your fall to ignominy must be a constant source of vexation for you. Why have I managed everything with impeccable timing, while you stumble from one unwelcome surprise to another?
You at last grasped the mantle of power, but today you suddenly realise it will be so cruelly wrenched from your grasp once again. Once Ireland have voted ‘yes’ in the referendum today, I will become President of the EU on October the 29th. Then the real work begins.
As President of the EU and therefore de facto head of the UK, I will redouble my efforts to create a vast European super-state, the like of which the world has never seen.
One great advantage of this arrangement is that it effectively sidelines UK politics and turns the next general election into a bit of an irrelevance, as I will be in charge and even that clown Cameron will have to toe any EU line that I dictate. Especially as I will invite Lord Mandelson to become a sort of 'Lord Protector' of the UK, a power behind the throne so to speak.
The first task is forcing the UK into the Euro. This has been made very easy for me because of your economic bungling. The other leaders are content with this, despite your current national debt position, as they can dictate the terms of your entry.
Now that the UK can no longer afford to defend itself properly I can speed on ahead with the creation of an EU defence force and hand over the British nuclear arsenal to the control of Brussels. This will lead to the NATO Security Council having me as a member instead of the UK. It will also oil the wheels for the creation of a proper EU ‘foreign office‘.
I have also decided that the UK will become the holding ground for all illegal immigrants entering the EU. We will open up the borders and provide air, sea, rail and road networks to funnel them straight to you. They want to go there anyway, so why stop them? All costs will be borne locally.
I also wonder why you pressed ahead with the formation of a UK supreme Court. What a waste of time, effort and money. The whole UK legal system will shortly become an irrelevance. But as usual you didn’t see it coming did you?
On a more personal note, as President if the EU I will be visiting all countries and capitals on a regular basis (up to once a year) using my new jet 'European Force 1'. I therefore need accommodation in the capital. Please can you therefore vacate No10 as a matter of urgency so it can be set up as my UK base of operations? I am being reimbursed all costs by your taxpayers via the EU contributions, (which of course will now rise astronomically to pay for a whole new tier of personnel and assets to support me).
After my meeting with Merkel and Sarkozy to decide how the EU will be run, I will come to London to tell you what you need to do to comply.
Please tell your (soon to be mine) security forces my personal security codeword – 'Abbadon'.
I hope all is well with your family and look forward to having you working for me again.
President of the EU (Elect)